My stumbling experiences perched on the high heels of life...
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
I am not usually the silent times. I am known to have had the loudest voice and the most thunderous laugh any room. I used to spend hours lost in songs and their meanings. I used to love to chat and gossip like an old maid and yet they all loved me. I used to have the best friends in the world, my little circle of love and trust. I used to have the most photogenic smile in my group. Whether it was placing an order for food or talking up a complete stranger it was I my friends used to catch ‘coz I could hold a confident conversation with just about anyone. I used to be the life of any room with my craziness. I used to have 10 simultaneous windows open in gtalk with something to write in each of them. I used to spend many a day dancing on top of my bed to some wild tune. I was a moderate success in just about any work I took up. I used to spend sleepless nights rolling in bed musing over that greatest mystery…love.
The only time I talk now is on the phone. I am so silent elsewhere, I fear that my voice would disappear. I can’t remember the last time my laugh sounded like my own. I listen to songs endlessly on my phone but would be at a loss to answer which song was playing on it. I don’t gossip, I don’t bitch, I don’t tease and yet everyone seems to hate me. I have no friends to speak of, no one to trust and can’t remember what a loving hug felt like. I don’t get my pictures clicked, the smile is too painful to look at. If someone talks to me I stutter and can’t think of anything to say to a simple question like “what do u dream of?” I glide in and out of rooms like a ghost and no one even looks up. I sign into gtalk and can’t chose one window to open from my 200+ contacts. I don’t dance , ever. I got my first feedback with “FAILURE” written all over it. I have lived through the painful reality of love and don’t even have its soothing illusion to hug close to my heart in a lonely night.
Is it enough reason to be a depressed blogger Mr P? or do I need more?