In the Dark...

He took her arm and tucked it safely in the crook of his elbow.

He heard her heart beat under the russle of her deep gown.

He bent towards her and whispered... "worry not my princess, I am there to hold you every time you falter"

She heard the gentle strains of music intermingling with the chatter of people waiting for her.

She saw the delicate patterns on the ancient glass panes of the door, enlightened by the subtle rays from the room beyond.

She felt his hand press hers reassuring...

She finally reached out and pushed across to the other side...

And then all was gone...

The light, the music, the people... his fingers slipped from hers... she twirled where she stood, lost in that dark hole of forever...

And there she twirls still, in that russling gown of misery... living the unreality of betrayal... stilled in a frozen block of eternity...

reaching out towards a hand of promise whose fingertips forever remain just out of reach...

The day of love

Its the designated day of love, yet all I feel today is an emptiness where that love should have been. I try to substitute the void with rose coloured excused dipped in chocolate sauce.
I keep enumerating the things that are missing, because when I sit down to list the things that are not, I end up with a blank sheet.
And I hate blank sheets... I hate barrenness.
Some people say that emptiness is a place from where you can start again, its the point where you have so much more space to fill up.
But what do I fill it with? The past that no longer looks back? or the future that is nothing but an empty picture in a frame of the present?
I did not lose anything, except an illusion, the illusion I created to appease a hungry dream, an illusion that lulled the dream into a poisonous sleep.
And now I sit here at my dusty doorstep,
watching as the illusion walks away down the road to sea with its boxes of magic and colourful scarves, with its eternal promises and packs of cards...
I wonder if the dream that I so treacherously put to sleep, would ever wake up to sing me its sweet lullaby again?

Broken Butterfly

I would have fought till my last breath
against the very Goddess of death
I would have stood in the way of every rolling hill
and slain every monster with my sword, until
you were safe and sound
in dreams profound
in your bed tucked, away
from every drowning bay
yet, as I lay here crumpled, in a pain so fine
you sit on a high seat, laugh and dine
with the fiends who pierced me, with their fiery spear
I scream and cry, but you find nothing to hear
And as I wonder with my dying sigh
if you were my friend or was it just a lie
you flare at me, raise a hue and cry
how could I doubt you, how could I deny
that you had a life and a right to choose
whom you wished to laugh with, whom you wish to bruise
And as you laugh there merrily, on your table so high
A broken butterfly, I quietly die...

I lost my best friend today-- To betrayal, to love and to pre-set notions.

The people who know you are the hardest to convince that you are trying to change.
The people who tell you what's wrong with you and what you need to improve are the first ones to think you are mocking them or being sarcastic,when you actually take their advice and try to be a "better" person.
The people who tell you to give them space are the ones who tell you to FO!!! for being a snob, when you do exactly that.

Why is it that the relationships we cherish the most are the ones that we invariably end up losing?
Why is it that "baseless insecurity" is what often leads to broken ties?
Why is it that the one person we trust with every hidden corner of our heart, betrays us the deepest?

A personal surprise

On an impulse, yesterday, I bought myself the most beautiful long stemmed red roses.
It felt so good. I used to do this in college. A lot of people found it weird, you know, giving roses to yourself. But then, I love roses and so why wait for someone else to realize it and give them to you to make you smile? Why not just have a little romance with yourself?
But somehow over the last year amidst the clutter of my useless existence, like most other things that were me (the long walks exploring, the lying in the dark listening to music through the night, the hanging out with friends and laughing my head off etc.) this too got lost in some forgotten recess of my memories of me...
Well, yesterday walking alone in the night, flagged by lighted shops and wizzing traffic, a backpack on my bag and no idea of where I was going, just following my heart, I felt more alive and more "me" than I had felt in a long time. And the roses were really the cherry on the cake.
I was on my way back when I passed this flower shop, I had actually gone by without stopping, but then something made me smile and turn around without another thought, and a moment later I was there, looking through his bundle for the best roses of them all...

This just proves, that even after living with "me" for the last 22 and a half years, I still have the ability to surprise her :)
I wish I have more days like this.

PS: Finally after almost a month after my poor lappy went into a comma, its working again, and after ages I had an urge to write and so I did.
By the way had the greatest day today. Will write about it in the next post. TC all :)

I miss

I am missing the joy that only writing something creative
I am missing being hugged so close that I can't feel anything but his arms around me...
I am missing the sound of a shared honest laugh over maggi cooked in a heating kettle
I am missing my best friend (a lot)

Reading the "Signs"

Ever since my one of my best friends introduced me to "Sun-Signs" by Linda Goodman in my first semester of college, I have been hooked. I wouldn't say I believe in all those daily predictions that come in the newspapers for the different signs, but as far as the basic characteristics associated with each of the signs are concerned, I have found a lot of examples that fit.
I lov studying people and so I have learnt a lot about certain behavioral patterns of the sunsigns I have come most in contact with.

So, I decided to share my insight into these here at my blog.
I will be sharing one sunsign with each post. I invite you all to share your views on the signs and even your experiences with them either in the comments section, or even by mail (I would love to publish them here)

Cancerians:
1)Extremely sensitive
2)Extremely caring
3)Extremely family oriented
4)Extremely vindictive
....a lot of "extremely"s there, but when it comes to cancerians, nothing is less than "extreme"

They are the best moms,
the best cooks
and there is something about them that makes u want to share your deepest secrets with them
they have great intuition and they love to say I told you so ;)
they are great when it comes to taking important decisions
when it comes to handling finance, well, they know what they are doing
they can be quite adamant about what they think is right and can be self-righteous(some people would call that an understatement)
not very independent by nature, but when it comes down to it, they know how to stand strong come what may.
they love getting pampered (yes we all do, but to them its as important as air and water to most of us)
they love getting gifts and will never forget someone who gave them one, or for that matter someone who didn't
they can also get a little too easily swayed by praise and a little expert buttering ;)

But they can also be really really controlling,
they never accept their mistake,
they never accept that they never accept their mistakes,
they are usually very impatient,
they are big time cribbers but can also be extremely resilient when it counts
they can use what u share with them against u if u cross them,
don't realize what they say when they are angry
and they can well, just be tooooooo mushy at times
they don't easily understand the concept of "space" in relationships and get hurt if someone asks for it (they take it as an insult to them and to them it translates to "I don't love you, I don't appreciate you and I don't need you anymore"
Whatsay??

PS: My mom is a cancerian and I love her. I couldn't have asked for a better mother. We have had our little tiffs and taffs but she has learnt to live with my need for "space" and my wierdness and from trying to get me to "behave", today she is my biggest supporter in letting me do my thing. She loves me for what I am and trust me thats a feat I sometimes find difficult to accomplish. On my end, I have learnt to respect her for her strength and the sacrifices she has made for her belief and love in her family. I haven't said it often enough but inspite of her flaws (very very minute ones mom) she is the strongest woman I know...she is my ideal and I know I could spend a lifetime trying, but I can never be like her

PPS: NO OFFENSE INTENDED WHATSOEVER!!!

Innocent Betrayal

She sat there with her eyes closed, listening to the waves echo back the words he had just said...
the gamble he had played with his trusting heart and lost...

It was the stuff dreams were made off...the beach, the song from her favorite singer, the eyes full of the emotion she had always wanted to see...
But she didn't say a word..confused...looking for feelings she knew should be there...
And he stood there misunderstanding her silence for yes
He took her into his arms then...
Something within her panicked and she struck away from his surprised arms...
the arms drooped...the look shattered into a million crystals...struck down by the wall of her betrayal

She opened her eyes to see him chasing crabs...
To anyone watching from a distance, it would have been hilarious...a grown man on his knees crawling after tiny translucent crabs, being a charming little boy
But to her it was the most painful thing she had ever seen...a grown man broken in half...grasping for sanity which chased away from him, slipping into little holes in the wet sand

It broke her to break him, it tore her apart...but she had no choice...her fears, her doubts had taken over and masked the love that was somewhere inside...
And she had turned and run away...

she ran...

she could hear him calling...

but she ran...

she ran till she could no longer hear the accusing waves,
she ran till she could no longer feel the coldness of pain,

she ran for days
she ran for months
she ran for an eternity

and then she stopped

for she could smell the sea again
for she could hear his voice again
and there was the same love in it
she turned to see the look she knew was in his eyes
she turned to tell him she was not scared anymore

and there he was...

and it was stuff dreams were made of..the beach..the song...the eyes filled with the same emotion...

but his arms were closed and his head was bent, and where she should have been, was someone else...
she fell to her knees crawling away from the pain, looking for crabs that refused to come...
a little girl..a broken woman...Innocently betrayed...